While CrossFit has a beautiful way of showing your weakness's, it also gives you the chance to take you out of that comfort zone, showing you things about yourself that will forever change and mold you into the person you are...that you are supposed to be. Well.... if you let it that is.
Watching an AMRAP of burprees pop up as I refreshed the screen last Wednesday was not just shocking, but put me in a state of disbelief. To be honest, my head went directly to the desk. (ask V...she was there) I was mortified and overwhelmed. I went from being confident to seriously worried in a split second. Burpees and me have never been the best of friends. Just not my movement. Not built for these bad boys but always just pushed through wods with them. ALWAYS was slower at this movement and never felt confident while doing them. I knew that this was going to be a rough one for me. Not physically. Mentally. Here is the thing Burpees really do suck....and they suck For EVERYONE. No matter if your light or heavy, tall or short they really do just suck. I will be honest in saying though even though I suck at them....I definitely haven't been too concerned with them during the last 12 weeks of training. Ive always known that it was a movement that just wouldn't be my best. Part of the game. Everyone has those:).
There was a big ....let me rephrase that.... A HUGE mental game going on in my head each hour of everyday leading up to 12.1 today. I did exactly what my Coach told me not to do... I got "consumed" as he would say. After talking a few times he decided he wanted me to worry less about the number but to do one thing....DON'T STOP. He new I needed this. Why? Because leading up to today I NEVER thought I could do that. I was more concerned with not resting then the number. I really didn't know how I could do it. 7 mins of non stop burpees. No rest. I needed to prove to myself that I could go without stopping. The thought of it made my stomach turn.
Well I did it. I didn't stop for 7mins. I keep thinking back to it and I am shocked I did. Even if it was slow...I did it. But to me my number was less than satisfactory. I have not been training my ass off to not reach my mark! To come short of a number that I thought I could achieve. Mentally and emotionally I was crushed. No words to describe it. I gave it my all but all the sudden my all wasn't good enough. Really? Who am I? This isn't me. I don't promote this thought process and this mind frame is the COMPLETE opposite thing I tell the CFRR Coaches and Athletes day in and day out. Hyprocrital much? I think SO.
Fast forward to now...5 hours later. Time to think, along with an emotional and hard call with my Coach, huge support from my Team and amazing words from Landon and my best friends gave me some serious light to this situation.....and I wanted to share my thoughts with all of you.
This is what I prayed for this morning:
"Lord please give me strength to make it through. Give me the strength to not stop or to give up. Give me this opportunity to do what I was set out to do...inspire others through my journey."
You see I thought inspiring others was with a high score...that's why I felt that I had failed. But that's not even what I prayed for. I got exactly what I asked for and I wouldn't have it any other way. For me it was more imperative that I went without stopping and getting 81 counted (damn no reps-Ag you suck hahaha) reps, instead of 100 with breaks. NOW of course I would have loved to my magic number but...Who wouldn't?! Today...an hour ago I realized something huge. Today I not only achieved my goal...I surprised myself. Resting is my weakness....not Burpees. And I found that out today. Uploading 81 as my score wasn't easy, given the expectations of me as a Coach and Athlete, but to me...this time...81 is just a number. Everything aside I did what I never thought possible and broke passed a mental barrier that I never thought I could. There is no score high enough that could ever give me the feeling of doing what I never thought possible. So take this lesson from me and before you get pissed off at yourself about not beating your Fran time or miss a max lift by 2.5 pounds know that there is more to all of this and to you. A much bigger picture to be looked at. Much more than a place, a standing a number. You can do anything you put your mind to.
EVERY Coach NEEDS a Coach-
Coach Miguel aka Mike aka The Professor....THANK YOU for being there for me mentally and emotionally today.Today was a rough day for me (as you know) but I can now honestly say that I AM truly PROUD of ME. You have been a unexpected and much needed blessing in my life and I am extremely grateful. If you wouldn't have told me I COULD go for 7mins straight I wouldn't have this new confidence that I am now overwhelmed with and excited to see shine through. So AGAIN. THANK YOU....I can now say I look forward to the next few weeks to come. On to the next one. First quarter down.
In the words of Landon "Strength will overcome."