Monday, July 8, 2013

Dirty Demons...Back Again.

BEFORE I start, I am not proud of what I am about to share and I am in no way sharing this for any attention. I do realize I know better (I have some special people in my life to remind me of this;)and The ONLY reason I am sharing this is because if there is someone else out there going through the same thing, I just want them to know that they aren't alone. 

"I still battle with these demons every day, and I will forever. Here is the thing though...... as long as I stand my ground and keep to my path of pure food I will always win this battle. Food is no longer my enemy. Food is what fuel's my body to live a happy and healthy life."

The above quote is from the About ME section of my blog, and although I do fight these demons off on a daily basis, a few weeks back I found myself back in a dark place that is not the easiest to admit. As I am dealing with the backlash of this injury that has pretty much been affecting me the past few years, it has put me back into a place where I am in denial about where my current relationship is with food. 

The reason? Well I pretty much can't do much for working out and for some reason this time around, it put me back into a place where I felt I had no control mentally. So I did exactly what I shouldn't have...took the situation into my own hands...or "out of" them for that matter. I found myself in denial and in a place where I was eating very little. Every day went by with me knowing that I should enter my food, so I  saw where I was for the day. Not so I wouldn't eat I WOULD eat. This way I could visually see where I was it. Almost like do a self "check in". This has always helped me in the past as it would almost slap me in the face and I would litterally scare myself back into reality and admit the cold truth that was going on. I wasn't eating. Each day would go by and I would convince myself that although I ate 600-900 calories, I was eating 4-5 times a day so hey that's OK right? WRONG.....and I knew it was wrong. Even though I knew what this type of demon did to me, I still couldn't convince myself that I "DESERVED" to eat more. It's a terrible vicious cycle and I am still fighting my way out of it. I am morally ashamed on top of feeling like a massive hypocrite. Here I am telling all my clients to eat more, planning out their food logs and taking all this time to help them realize eating more IS BETTER all the while its 5pm and I've eaten 450 calories FOR THE DAY.

Do I feel like a fraud? Absolutely. I have contemplated not posting this numerous times. Its almost as if I don't, its not true. Here I am again the gym owner, trainer, coach and mentor going through all this crap ALL OVER AGAIN!! I had to take myself out of the equation. "Leave my ego at the door." I have to remember that the most amazing part of my job and life is that I have the ability to help others and share my story so they know they aren't alone. Help them in anyway I can. I can't worry about Jo Schmo judging me, because honestly what he/she thinks of me doesn't even matter. The last thing I need to do is worry about some random person who is of no importance to me or my current situation. I have brushed myself off once again and I do realize I am not perfect nor do I expect myself to be.It's like you take CrossFit away from me and I am spinning out of control. CrossFit and Olympic Lifting has always allowed me to be in control of ME in so many ways. It has given me confidence I had never had through skill, technique and strength rather than a what I looked like across the mirror. I found myself depressed quickly and all I had to turn to was controling what I couldn't eat. Almost like I didn't want any energy because I couldn't CrossFit and Olympic Lift. Having all that energy couldn't be released so instead of going to walk my dogs I chose to not eat. I know what your thinking, believe me, It's so damn embarrassing and frustrating. WHO AM I?  Who is this girl? Not this person thats for sure. 

I will always have an eating disorder. I will ALWAYS worry about what and how much I eat on a day to day basis. I will always struggle with the feeling of being in control. I will always look in the mirror and see what others do not. I will always control what does and doesn't enter mouth. Some days will be good, others may be bad. I just need to remember that me staying in control of this is key. That I do have control in every aspect of my life and that I really do know better. That I am ME and that ME is awesome. Eating healthy and feeling the best I can is way more important than how I look or what people think of me.  And when in doubt, turn the people in my life that know how to set me straight (You know who you are....thank you xoxo) AND most of all ALWAYS remember... 

 "As long as I stand my ground and keep to my path of pure food I will always win this battle." 

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