Sunday, March 8, 2015

No Open.... Surgery? WTF!

I thought I might as well go ahead and share with all of you why am not signed up for the CrossFit Open this year. I know a lot of you have seen my videos and such on Instagram and it's probably kind of confusing to not see my name under CrossFit Round Rock Team Roster.... so I wanted to kind of clear the air and share where I am at and kinda what's going on. I have been in some weird pain for the last 3 months or so. I honestly thought it had to do with my neck injury, compensation and coming back to competing etc. but come to find out it was the complete opposite. 

On March 26 I will be having surgery to repair my left implant that has ruptured. I am very grateful that my mammogram and sonogram showed healthy breast tissue and just the rupture. My grandmother had a double mastectomy at 41, so going in for that appointment was terrifying to say the least. I put it off for 3 months because it truly scared me so much. Thank GOD it was just my implant being ruptured! Although it does suck, it is totally fixable and I am so thankful that is all it was. Lots of chest work when I should have been smarter given I had implants is to blame and for that I will be smarter the next go around:) 

For the last 8 months or so I have been training hard to get myself to the best shape I could possibly be. I love competing and I love training for competition.... I love training for CrossFit! I LOVE having a Coach. I love the accountability. I love that consistency. I love the plan. Sure working out just for aesthetics and fun is realistic for a lot of people .... It's just not the drive I want or need.  I have realized that all of the other stuff is what is fun to me! And one of the main reasons I was so drawn to CrossFit and grow deeper and deeper in love with it! 

You see I'm just the type of person that really wants to be getting better at any given point. Whether it be getting better at a plank or a strict press or a row whatever it is.... I just like my workouts to have a purpose for growth in the realm of fitness. I like to work through my weaknesses. I ache to see my accomplishments show face after hard work and dedication. Training for more than a purpose of aesthetics has put me in such a more healthy place with my body and mental health. Coming from severe eating disorder's it's nice to put my energy and perfection into something that creates the "better" not the worse. 

I have found within the last week or so that I really don't even remember how to eat while not working out. I find myself slipping back in and out of that dark place with food and bad eating habits more than my normal once a day tendency. "Once a day" is something I'm used to, and something I've wrapped my mind around dealing with for the rest of my life..... but 5-10 times a day.... Is something I am really trying to plan and prepare for.... It's no easy battle ... and the demons are real and there. 

"So your not training or working out ... You know you can't eat haven't earned it...."

"Is that Apple really something you need ...really... right now ... "

"I will skip lunch today I can eat more when I am relaxing at home ... Shit that's 7 hours from now.... I can do it... I can suck it up ..." 

Everyday I battle with these demons. And now it's just worse. I was eating for performance, and now here I am about to not workout for 4-6 weeks. F@ckkkkkkkk!!!! 

So what do I do? 

I plan. I journal. I prep. I pray. I make new goals. I hold myself accountable. 

To me being a life changing Coach means you love to do all of those things. That you love to get better and to put yourself out there and work on your weaknesses and admit your faults. I will always have a want to train for better myself and show growth....  Always. That's just me. Whether I was training to a be figure competitor or to have leaner arms. Whether it was to fit in to a certain size of jeans.....  I ALWAYS had a goal but it was always aesthetics. CrossFit took that away. CrossFit gave me the ability to train for something that is functional and truly meaningful. CrossFit gave me my life back. Gave me the ability to train for something that is for the better of me, my health and my body.  Instead of how I look in the mirror or how I fit into that certain something. 

So when something like CrossFit is taken away from me ... Even for a short period of time ...The risk of my relapsing is risky. Especially now. There isn't a wedding dress to fit into or a next competition. Nada.  

So what's my plan? Well now it's just time to go back to reminding myself how far I have come with my nutrition. How my dedication to fueling my body is above all else the best it has ever been. That I couldn't be in a better place with being in tune with my body in knowing what it does and doesn't need. That food is still needed. That I still need fuel.... And that I do DESERVE to eat. 

 I will be checking back in to share some of the goodies I will be stocking up on to ensure I have some healthy treats to keep me on track. This is important both mentally and emotionally for me when I will feel the need to be not over sacrificing. This will help me from getting to that point where I feel the need to binge from starving myself all day or by restricting myself SO MUCH on foods that I don't really want nor like. 

I know that everything in my life is all about learning and growing for the greater purpose and for that I am grateful that the Lord above has given me the ability to do so through this experience! I look forward to all the growth that is ahead as I tackle these demons head on and beat them once again! 

Seek. Believe. Achieve. 

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